For Once, This One's For Me

17 April 2015

For Once, This One's For Me | Eunoia by Clarisse
Some weeks ago, I dedicated my 7,000th tweet to myself because I almost never get shout outs from myself to myself. Sounds vain, I know. But hear me out: it was one of those days when I was feeling great about myself. One of those days when I thought I've finally made peace with the past. One of those days when I thought I've finally fallen back in love with myself, you know?

But as of this writing, I just finished an insightful conversation with a friend who's somehow going through the same thing as I am and as much as I want to comfort her and tell her all the things to love about herself, the words seem too hypocritical to be coming out of my mouth because I realized I'm still not quite where I want to be yet.

So, deriving from one of Megan Falley's writing prompts from last year's NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month), I decided to finish one of my unfinished pieces for someone else (my journal is 80% unfinished, cheesy poems and 20% bad handwriting) and turn it around. The prompt is to write a love poem you wish someone would write about you. I've written one too many love poems to all the wrong people, I figured I deserve at least one. So for once, this one's for me.

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This is for the times all your J's turned to Joseph's and all your P's turned to Philip's. For all those letters sent and unsent. For all the drunk poems you sent out into the universe that you didn't bother editing sober. Now I want you to watch all my words, regardless of the letters, to transform into your name. Your name is ethereal. Your name is ocean. Your name is petrichor. Your name is tea with perfect sugar. For once, this one's for you. For all those conversations that leave you hungry for sadness. For the nights that leave a bitter aftertaste and the afternoons spent humming a chorus of what ifs under your breath.

For once. For once,  this one's for you. 

So listen. I want you. I want all of you. I want the heights and the depths; the whirlwinds and the lulls. I want to know all the letters to your thoughts and all the numbers in your infinity. You can tell me as many times as you want about how you are nothing but a tourist spot made for wandering and how no one ever lives at the peak of a mountain and I will always respond with, "But you are my home". I want to forget my native tongue and learn yours. I want to memorize the alleyways of your mind and live at the outskirts of your city where the glamour of it all starts to fade. I want you to be home. 

Because, listen: moving into you would be my awfully big adventure.

You are cliff diving: you scare the shit out of me and I don't think I can do this at all but I will anyway because that rush -- that rush -- is worth the pain of fear trying to claw its way out my throat. You are climbing Mount Everest without as much as a coat on: you could freeze my fingers off and I would gladly let you if that means seeing the whole world the way you do. You are the ocean I wouldn't mind drowning in: filled with all the unrecognizable things I want to remember for later. 

Baby, you are sex in the Louvre: an indulgent thing I didn't even know I want.

Listen. 

You could turn something as mundane as eating breakfast on the couch into an adventure. Going to bed with you gives me an adrenaline rush similar to that of jumping off an aircraft thousands of feet from the ground. Hell, even brushing my teeth next to you with our mouths full of cheap toothpaste makes my brain run out of oxygen. And isn't that what love is supposed to be? Transforming all the regular shit we have to do on a daily basis into something tolerable? Into something exciting, even? 

So listen. Maybe this one poem does not make up for the fact that hundreds of your poems are still bleeding for the wrong person somewhere out there but I hope it somehow makes up for the sent letters that came back unread. For the days when your heart is a heavy machinery you can't operate. For the times you tried smashing yourself to wholeness. For the temporary numbness in between shot glasses. For the moments you found it hard to breathe but tried to anyway.

For once, this one's for you: your name is adventure and I hope you never forget that some people feel right at home on mountain peaks.

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You see, one of my resolutions for this year is to fall back in love with myself. Sometimes I backslide. I'm a fat girl telling myself to eat clean when really, I'm always falling back on a steady diet of the past. Maybe that's okay, too. Maybe it just takes a long time to quit some things and some people. Maybe you just have to give yourself gentle reminders from time to time that you are something you deserve to love, too. Or you know, maybe something like this:


Lol sorry if this is too weird and scattered and cryptic and not blog-y at all, but it's one of those moments, haha! Also, I'm realizing that I have no idea how to write love. I'm used to writing hurt.

Anyway, what kind of love poem do you wish someone would write you?

Photo sources: Tumblr

15 comments

  1. What are you saying sorry for?! Although it was lengthy, it was such a good read!!!! I think I found the person that I'd love to hate and hate to love both at same time because you write so good! It is everything compared to mine!

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  2. Wow! I was completely lost for words after reading the poem you've made for yourself. It's great!
    I wish I could write as poetic and as imaginative as you.. (envy) heheh..

    Hmmm, I completely disagree with you when you've said 'I'm realizing that I have no idea how to write love'. Well, you do and this one is the best proof for it. :)

    ALmera

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    1. Haha, thank you, Almera! I'm not used to writing about being in love, I guess. =))

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  3. I don't have the slightest idea of what you went through or are going through, but I'm sure you'll break away from it. And it's such a lovely read! You write so well! I wish I had that talent. Hahahaha.

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  4. I really like how it's written. I write things like this in my tumblr blog. Oh and me too. I don't know how to write now that I'm in love. I write most when I'm sad.

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    1. Thank you! I started writing like this on Tumblr as well! And yay! It's not just me who's into sad writing =))

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  6. That's Good, you can never give a love to a person when you haven't learn to love yourself first.
    By loving yourself, you wont give something to it that it doesn't deserve. :)

    You see your worth now! Be in love!

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  7. I hope that you can reach that place that you want to be and be happy with yourself and love yourself.

    I often so clearly see the best in many of my friends and want them to know that. I hope that they know I am saying what I deeply feel and see. I don't exactly have a lot of love for myself, but hopefully over time I can improve that. :)

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    1. Thank you, Kya! I always like to believe I'm almost there but then again some things happen that take me back a couple of rungs.

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  8. This actually gave me the chills in a way, because it's so.. I don't really know how to put it. The words were eloquent, so much more than the usual things you write, and it's pure and refreshing. :) I was imagining while I was reading this that my boyfriend sent me this letter, and I actually felt kilig! I don't know, it has that vibe. Hahaha

    Honestly, I fell out of my love of myself the past few weeks. I felt better just a day ago and this helped me cope up with the feeling of being... unwanted. The feeling of people expecting too much from you but only to realize you've disappointed them so far. I know you wrote this for yourself but thank you, because it clearly has helped me a lot. I'm definitely reading this again when I feel down. You're such an inspiration, ate Clarisse. <3

    Mimi | The Foxy Heroine

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  9. Well written, could be post in berlin art parasites

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